Wha?!?!

"I didn't know you were gona be giving me electric shocks!" Or, at least that's what I SHOULD have said to the 'nurse' lady at the voodo doctors "clinic." You see, they have these little paddles (not like the ones from pre-school when you've been bad, but sorta) and these little paddles are plugged into the WALL. Yes. The Wall. Now, WHY would something need to be plugged into the wall? I'll tell you why - so it can SHOCK me. That's why.

As I waltzed into the "therapy" room I had no idea of what was awaiting me. I laid down on the massaging table (a good sign) and rested my head on the little head rest thingy covered with non-germy paper stuff (you know what I'm talking about). I can feel the warmth of the freshly sanitized paddles being placed all over by back. They had them all over. (did I mention it was warm?) Then came the ice. ICE? Why ice? I like warm - not ice. Oh well... Now came the fun part... "just tell me 'when' " said the nurse lady. "When?!" I said. "oh ya, tell me when it gets too painful." Wha?!? I came to these people out of the naieveness of my heart and here they are doing things that will cause me pain? Hmmmm

Suddenly I felt my arms doing things that I had not previously instructed them to do. Whooom to the right, and twitch to the left. "Who's doing this?" I thought to myself. That's when I realized that I forgot to say "when" and had to have the nurse back off on the juice a little. She then ramped up my lower back in the same fashion and said "OK, now just relax" and left me in the room ALL BY MYSELF, hooked up to the shocker machine. It wasn't too bad actually. I kind of enjoyed that 12 minutes of involuntary movement as I pondered the complexities of the universe and wondered how bad the red mark on my face would be from laying down face first.

That was last week

I went in this morning - a pro in the ways of the voodoo witchery. I knew what to expect and I was ready for it. She hooked me up - I said "when" and we were off. A few minutes into the 'therapy' I got curious. I usually get curious - just not with things that are currently plugged into the wall. I decided to gently lift one of these little paddles off my back 'just to see what would happen.' YeeeeeAAwwwww! Holy sweet mother. That's when the little thing arced a shock to that tender skin at the bottom of my back right before I quickly placed it firmly on my skin. After that little "gem" of an experience I wondered why I put it right back on me if it was shocking me. Is it like when you have your hands wrapped around a snake's head and you don't want to let go because it'll just bite you? I hate it when I find myself with a snake in my hands.

Voodoo.... Whoodoo?

So, yesterday I broke down and decided to visit the local witch/voodoo doctor. Some people call them "chiropractors." I've never seen one of these people in their 'element' so I thought I'd give it a shot. Maybe it'd be like Animal Planet. Besides, that's what you do when you hit your "out of pocket maximum" and really really want an x-ray of your spinal column, right? Right?!

Well, about 6 x-rays later and a couple visits, I'm well entrenched into their 'pay a co-pay everytime we say "hello" ' scheme. I can see where this is going already. I'm trying to convince Jodie to get an in-house massage therapist, but she hasn't gone for it yet. Just trying to be economical. I'll keep you posted.

So we had a nice visit this morning in front of the x-ray thing that holds up the x-ray things. Those things are nice and bright, but not too bright. Fascinating stuff, really. Anyway, this is where the gibberish began. I was told that my 아이들이 친구 사촌 개 had an 작업 and that it would take lots of $$내 영혼을 in order for it to be fixed. Or something like that. I think I understood that last part a little better than the first bit. Apparently the bones in my neck aren't supposed to look like an "S." Who knew?! I thought S's were stylish. WAY better than a lame C shape like other boring peeps.

So, we're going to give this guy a shot and see where the chips fall, or at least where the vertebrae lie. Is that how you spell that? Crazy.

The Hunt

This morning, I gathered my family into the minivan and set off on a journey that would take us to fields of wonder, awe, and ultimately to a pack of wild, ferocious, chicks. It's Easter, and as is the custom in many parts of the land we participated in an egg "hunt," or two egg hunts to be exact. We braved the 40 degree weather and waited in Founders Park for 20 minutes till the nice policeman blew his horn, beginning the most intense 30 seconds of most childrens lives. Vast whords of children swarmed the "no-zone" as parents shouted instructions: "Kick him in the legs!," "Push her over and take the booty!" OK, it wasn't THAT bad, but it sure seemed like it. I actually heard a mom instruct her husband to continue 'coaching' their son while she looked for a better spot. It was pretty sureal.

Not having coached my children in the ways of egg poaching, we were left behind when the "wall of destruction" decended on the field of eggs. Luckily the kiddies ran right by a few eggs, which allowed my kiddies to swipe 'em up and not leave empty handed. After 20 seconds it was all over. The fields were stripped like a turkey on Thanksgiving. There wasn't anything left - except grass, of course. We decided that we needed more than just a few eggs, so we headed off to Woods Cross.

At Woods Cross Elementary they had another egg 'brawl' but this time the people in charge tried to make it a little more fair. They had the little kids go first and told them to get 3 eggs, then come back to their parents. Some kids (and their parents) had a tough time counting to 3 - and only to 3. We got our 3 eggs and then headed into the gym to get stickers, bags, and tatoos (stickers!). The girls had an awesome time, and so did mom and dad. We finished off the morning by going to see the chickies. At least there wer no crazy parents there. :-) We LOVE chickies!

Give Me A Break

So yesterday I read an article in the newspaper about a lady who was arrested for leaving her child in the car. "Not another one of these ladies" I thought. But I kept reading. She has 3 children (the sympathy should start there) and the older 2 kids wanted to donate their money to the Salvation Army. As they were driving to the store the littlest of the bunch, just 2 years old, fell asleep in her car seat. Because it was sleeting outside, the mom decided that it would be OK to park the car, lock the car, ALARM the car and walk the 30 feet to the kettle with her older kids, leaving the 2 year old in the car. On her way back to the car she got arrested from a loser cop on charges of child abandonment.

Holy Crap!

She now faces an entire year in prison and a $2,500 fine if convicted. Is this how our tax dollars are spent everyday?!

Sorry, not a funny post - just had to get it off my mind. Put the people in prison who squeeze baby's to death and dumb stuff like that. Put em in a hole. Throw away any keys or ladders. Just don't imprison the mother of 3 who isn't any different than any mother out there.

30 FEET?!!!?

More funny posts to follow!