Tuesday, April 22, 2008


"I didn't know you were gona be giving me electric shocks!" Or, at least that's what I SHOULD have said to the 'nurse' lady at the voodo doctors "clinic." You see, they have these little paddles (not like the ones from pre-school when you've been bad, but sorta) and these little paddles are plugged into the WALL. Yes. The Wall. Now, WHY would something need to be plugged into the wall? I'll tell you why - so it can SHOCK me. That's why.

As I waltzed into the "therapy" room I had no idea of what was awaiting me. I laid down on the massaging table (a good sign) and rested my head on the little head rest thingy covered with non-germy paper stuff (you know what I'm talking about). I can feel the warmth of the freshly sanitized paddles being placed all over by back. They had them all over. (did I mention it was warm?) Then came the ice. ICE? Why ice? I like warm - not ice. Oh well... Now came the fun part... "just tell me 'when' " said the nurse lady. "When?!" I said. "oh ya, tell me when it gets too painful." Wha?!? I came to these people out of the naieveness of my heart and here they are doing things that will cause me pain? Hmmmm

Suddenly I felt my arms doing things that I had not previously instructed them to do. Whooom to the right, and twitch to the left. "Who's doing this?" I thought to myself. That's when I realized that I forgot to say "when" and had to have the nurse back off on the juice a little. She then ramped up my lower back in the same fashion and said "OK, now just relax" and left me in the room ALL BY MYSELF, hooked up to the shocker machine. It wasn't too bad actually. I kind of enjoyed that 12 minutes of involuntary movement as I pondered the complexities of the universe and wondered how bad the red mark on my face would be from laying down face first.

That was last week

I went in this morning - a pro in the ways of the voodoo witchery. I knew what to expect and I was ready for it. She hooked me up - I said "when" and we were off. A few minutes into the 'therapy' I got curious. I usually get curious - just not with things that are currently plugged into the wall. I decided to gently lift one of these little paddles off my back 'just to see what would happen.' YeeeeeAAwwwww! Holy sweet mother. That's when the little thing arced a shock to that tender skin at the bottom of my back right before I quickly placed it firmly on my skin. After that little "gem" of an experience I wondered why I put it right back on me if it was shocking me. Is it like when you have your hands wrapped around a snake's head and you don't want to let go because it'll just bite you? I hate it when I find myself with a snake in my hands.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Voodoo.... Whoodoo?

So, yesterday I broke down and decided to visit the local witch/voodoo doctor. Some people call them "chiropractors." I've never seen one of these people in their 'element' so I thought I'd give it a shot. Maybe it'd be like Animal Planet. Besides, that's what you do when you hit your "out of pocket maximum" and really really want an x-ray of your spinal column, right? Right?!

Well, about 6 x-rays later and a couple visits, I'm well entrenched into their 'pay a co-pay everytime we say "hello" ' scheme. I can see where this is going already. I'm trying to convince Jodie to get an in-house massage therapist, but she hasn't gone for it yet. Just trying to be economical. I'll keep you posted.

So we had a nice visit this morning in front of the x-ray thing that holds up the x-ray things. Those things are nice and bright, but not too bright. Fascinating stuff, really. Anyway, this is where the gibberish began. I was told that my 아이들이 친구 사촌 개 had an 작업 and that it would take lots of $$내 영혼을 in order for it to be fixed. Or something like that. I think I understood that last part a little better than the first bit. Apparently the bones in my neck aren't supposed to look like an "S." Who knew?! I thought S's were stylish. WAY better than a lame C shape like other boring peeps.

So, we're going to give this guy a shot and see where the chips fall, or at least where the vertebrae lie. Is that how you spell that? Crazy.