This Just In...

WASHINGTON - The National Guard, in conjunction with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security recently announced plans to equip riot personnel with state-of-the-art technology that utilizes a well-known ubiquitous plant. This new technology will be the latest enhancement in riot gear since the armed forces implemented tear gas in the early 1900’s. Although specific details regarding the functionality of the new weaponry are currently classified, reporters are being told that the recent increase in marijuana farms across the country have played a key role in developing the technology. “This new technology will allow us to utilize the numerous pot farms around the country,” said renowned counter-terrorism expert Guy Francis at a press conference Wednesday. “Once we realized that local law enforcement simply destroyed the evidence, we thought we could put that to better use.” Then citing recent statistics that showed a dramatic decline in the overall stress level of law enforcement personnel involved in these operations, Francis further stated “it just isn’t fair that they get to do that. We’re stressed out too, and we want in. Please don’t write that down. This is all off the record.”

After ushering Francis off the stage, Sgt. Samuel Thompson of Utah’s 432nd battalion further clarified, “What Mr. Francis meant to say is that we’re realizing people don’t want to be shot with bean bags or sprayed with high-pressure hoses – and we’re responding as best we know how. It isn’t easy to look into the eyes of a mean person. It’s no picnic.  We just hope this helps them all chill out.”

The new technology purportedly converts the marijuana plant into a harmless fog that, when dissipated over large crowds, has a calming effect on those present. The theory being that riot goers will turn from blood-thirsty maniacs into amiable friends with little desire to do anything productive. 

“I mean, really,” Thompson added. “nobody wants to attend a riot thinking that big guys with shields are going to show up. Who wants that?”

Critics of the new technology warn of possible economic side effects, including the strain on the nation’s snack food industry. “I’m just sayin’ there’s no evidence to support the notion that our snack food industry could support such an increase in demand.  It’s clearly unsustainable,” claims Alec Halstrom, a self-proclaimed expert on food economics.  “You have Cheetos, Twinkies, Fritos, all the basics. If demand suddenly goes up, then I know my prices will go up.  I’ve been to school. I know how this works. It can’t work.” 

Critics also cite the probability that this new tactic will simply increase attendance at riots and other unauthorized gatherings. “People are going to realize that riots are no fun.  They’re hot and boring, and it’s not like we’re providing porta-potties or anything.  We think kids these days are mostly just bored,” said Cpl. Joseph Ball. “The real problem is education.  The general public is simply unaware of other fun activities like foosball and Rummikub.  Once they catch on, we’ll all be OK.”

When asked why trials for the new devices will begin this Saturday at the 10th Annual Reggae Summerfest, Sgt. Thompson added “if it works there, then we’re confident it’ll work on anyone.”